panities

So last night my friend Lori comes over and she wants me to go to her house and check why her PC is not displaying anything on the monitor. I am checking things and I get it to boot and it tells me there is no mouse and I check the back and she has something plugged into the mouse port. So I am “hmmm”ing and then I decide to check and make sure it is the right wire. She had wires all over. I then find out she has a keyboard plugged into the mouse port. I have to reboot again. Finally I get in and I am fooling around with stuff. This computer was a dinosaur. Win98 and get this…32MB of RAM. I told her to start buying herself parts and fuck this piece of shit.

So we are leaving and then I remember that I gave her my hoodie like weeks before and since I was at her house it would be great if I could get it back. She tells me she doesn’t know where it is but she will go look. I told her to find that shit. She comes back out empty handed. I am fumed. I get in the car and she asks me what I want to eat and I say, “My hoodie.” She says, “You’ll get it BACK. And if you don’t I can hear about it forever.” I’m like, “Dude I can’t believe that is even a possibility.” So then she says, “Where do you want to go?” And I say, “to get my hoodie.” She turns the car around and we drive back to her house. She goes in and I go in after. She heads to her room mumbling that she is gonna check her drawers. So, I’m all, “Uh huh”. Lori has a roommate that has a boyfriend. I am going to look in her roommates room because i know the bastard is wearing my hoodie or it’s in his closet. I go in their room and I am scanning. And I see it.. folded nicely.. on the bed! I start screaming, “Found it! Come pick it up for me.. I don’t wanna touch their shit…” She comes in and says, “Fucking bitch… I am gonna kick that bitch’s ass.” Sure.. so we decide that we are going back to my house and we are gonna drzink. We get in her car and pull into the street and she slams on the brake and goes, “I found money!! Oh my God!” She hops out and comes back with a dollar. One dollar. Niiice…

Lori and I went and got some drinks and we were sitting outside. We started telling stories about gang bangers shooting families with BB guns and Fendi purses made out of people’s skin. “I’m a Fendi!”… and we were talking about Cabbage Patch Kids and she said they were actually stuffed kids from Ethiopia and I was like, “Damn and they sew their clothes to them…” And Lori’s like, “No.. I could take mine’s clothes off. Even the panities” (which is pronounced like vanities, evidently). So I ran around all night yelling about panities. This is the same girl that can’t remember if her mom “showed” her how to put a tampon in or just told her so graphically that there is an image embedded in her brain. She is totally scarred. That’s funny shit.